From Hogwarts to uncle Fester

Despicable uncle Fester,

I made it to my new school. It s a nightmare. We were welcomed by a giant. No one was eaten. What a waste of a giant. We crossed a dark river at night, and then, met ghosts. I ve seen scarier. I had to put on a horrible hat that screamed « Slytherin! » as soon at it was on my head. The worst thing is that people cheered. And I had to join their table. And it took ages. Everyone was so cheerful. Rosy cheeks, and merry voices. Dreadful.

They re making me sleep in a room with other girls. So, I tried to follow mother’s advice (don t tell her) : I tried to be civil. I offered them to pet Thing, and even to play with my brand new guillotine. They just pushed their bed away from mine. Thing was so upset. Oh, well. If they won t play with me, I ll play with them. I m not out of ideas.

I ll be writing to you soon.

I m very glad to be rid of you lot, and I hope you rot in Hell.

Curses,

Wendesday.

PS : I m still mad at mother and father for the summer camp, but when you got to know her, aunt Debbie was quite sweet. Still dead, is she?

…

Despicable uncle Fester,

Actually, this school isn t that bad. I thought I was going to be bored to death, but things finally seem to get interesting. This boy, Harry Potter, his whole family was massacred by a dark wizard. He s the only survivor. The dark wizard disappeared mysteriously. I can understand why he would be embarrassed if he didn t manage to kill a baby. They say that he (didn t catch his name) will rise again to finish him off. I dare hope ! I can t wait.

Meanwhile, there has been a few minor welcome distractions. Harry Potter became ustable on his broom on a quidditch game at some point. I really thought he would fall. It was a dissapointment. Someone must have been cursing him, I guess. But then, I noticed a girl who was trying to set fire to professor Snape s robes. Too bad she wasn t in my house. Too bad I was too far away to help. You know I do like fire.

Also, a troll has been forcing entry in the school. For some reason, the professors sent us to our common rooms. What do they have against trolls? Only three gryffindor kids were out there, they say, among which (guess who?) Harry Potter. These gryffindors are favored, if you ask me. They seem to be the only ones who get to have fun.

Well, see you soon for the summer holidays.

rot in Hell.

Curses,

Wendesday.

PS : Please tell grand mother to bake her filtiest eye of newt for me when I m back. All we eat here is bacon, chicken, potatoes, and cake. So unhealthy.

…

Despicable uncle Fester,

I m back in school, and already about to drink my arsenic. Thank you for my new crossbow. It will be nice to go hunting. The crossing to school was nicer than by boat. Our carriages were tracked by ghastly horses. It was as though they were bringing us to Death’s domain. Lovely.

I tried divination class. It was interesting. Our professor had so many disasters to predict. It s too bad I won t be able to participate anymore. All of these colors and sweet smelling fumes. I found the classroom overwhelming.

So far, no disaster has been happening. Well… I might be a little pessimistic : no dark wizard and no death yet, but there has been talk about a secret torture chamber hidden in the school, with a monster. There has been strange noises in the corridors, and some of my schoolmates have gone catatonic. Do not tell mother I said this, but this is the effect I dare hope to have on a man if I ever marry. Seriously, do not tell her. She would go on and on about how I m growing up, and becoming so very romantic. That would annoy me.

Give Pugsley a kick.

I m so very glad to be rid of you lot.

Rot in Hell.

Curses,

Wendesday.

…

Despicable Uncle Fester,

Oh, I m so jealous ! One little chase, and my crossbow s confiscated. These gryffindors with their friend Harry Potter, they get to stroll in the corridors without getting detention. How do they do that? It s so unfair, because I did try! And all the fun happens at night! I mean : who doesn t want to find a torture chamber with a monster? Why only them? I m so sick of their priviledge. I told so to professor Snape. He denied firmly. Said : « No, there is certainly no privilidged children in this very egalitarian school. » And then, he just added random points to slytherin, out of the blue. It was so illogical I decided he had done that as a statement. My guess is : the obvious special treatment these gryffindors have been enjoying must be a decision of the headmaster. I suspect professor Snape is slightly annoyed by this.

He s a good professor, and tolerable company. I make my cauldrons explode regularly to get detention in his class. He never fails me. It s just the most agreable place in Hogwarts. Comfortable, and tasteful. On top of that, professor Snape makes me manipulate filthy worms and crush them for potions. Favorite. Punishment. Ever.

Well, rot in Hell, now.

See you all soon for summer.

Curses,

Wendesday.

PS : sad news : I heard the poor monster was dead.

…

Despicable uncle Fester,

I thought I would be sitting in my cabin alone as usual, when this agressively colorful girl came to sit next to me. Her name is Luna. For some reason, they call her Loony. Then, Neville Longbotton (he s a gryffindor) came along. He didn t want to sit next to us. He mumbled something like : « But that s Loony and Oddams… ». And then, the sister of Ronald Weasley (he s one friend of Potters), she pushed him in. Luna was reading a magazine upside down. She s alright, now that I got to know her. You can t dislike a raving lunatic.

So I finally talked to gryffindors ! You can t go wrong with compliments, so I told Longbottom : « You re a living catastrophe. It s inspirational. » And he is. So clumpsy. I hope I made a good impression. Befriending priviledged people always comes in handy. I wonder what Potter will come up with to entertain us, this year?

Rot in Hell.

Curses,

Wendesday.

…

Despicable uncle Fester,

Guess what? A dangerous psychopath broke out from Azkhaban, and means to come for Harry Potter ! What a jolly lot, these gryffindors. It s unfair the other houses have no party of their own.

I did bump into the Boy-who-Lived, once. I said : « You ve got horrible eyes. At least, you re entertaining. » And he said : « Talking about entertainment, what did you chase Pansy Parkingson with a crossbow for, anyway? » And I said : « Girls just want to have fun. » And he smirked. See, compliments do work. Had I been in gryffindor, i m sure we would have been getting along quite well. He seems to like death.

How is Pugsley doing is school? He s been expelled for lauching bombs in class again, I expect? I don t suppose mother and father ceased being disgusting, did they?

Well, see you soon for summer.

Rot in Hell.

Curses,

Wendesday.

PS : The prisonner on the loose is being chased by interesting soul eating shadow things that invaded the school. Of course, Harry Potter seems to attract them particularly. They made him faint, once. Almost broke his neck at quidditch.

…

Despicable uncle Fester,

This year is going to be interesting. our strange, old school director decided to host a deadly competition. It s about earning a cup, after surviving terrible trials. Supposidly, you can t apply before seventeeen. But of course, yet again, there are no rules for priviledged kids. Harry Potter is in. He really wants to be at the center of all of the dangerous events. He likes death, see?

His friend, Ronald Weasley, will not participate. He s so mad about this. Giving Potter the cold shoulder. I told this grumpy red face that if he wanted trials and suffering, I would gladly help. His ears grew very red, and he sighed, passing by. I m not sure he got the message. I could really help. You know… Teenagers…

I ll write to you soon. You lot rot in Hell.

Curses,

Wendesday.

PS : Our new defense against the dark arts professor has a funny face. Makes me think about Lurch.

…

Despicable uncle Fester,

We ve got our first death. One of the contestants of the triwizard tournament is gone. Too bad you couldnt come along. Mother and Father were on and on : « Oh, this just like Nevermore! » Don t worry, though. Lurch took pictures.

There were dragons which almost burned the contestants. And then, they tastefully drowned their loved ones at the bottom of a lake. Thing was thrilled. He said hands down for the organization. Unfortunately, there also was a ball. They made us dance. Oh, but you know mother and father. They made quite an impression on the dance floor. Again.

Anyway, the final trial was a dark, foggy, monster filled maze. Potter and Diggory (the other contestant) decided to grab the cup together. Silly, if you ask me. But then, they disappeared. After a while, Potter reappeared, in tears, Diggory s corpse was in his arms. It was quite a moment. Potter said the dark wizard had just risen again. Clumpsy one, he killed the wrong kid. People tend to say Potter s gone mad, but that would make sense.

We ll be back home soon.

Rot in Hell.

Curses,

Wendesday.

PS : What s this darn wizard s name, again?

…

Despicable uncle Fester,

Where to begin? People are so strange. They ve been going on and on about this dark wizard, and the way Harry Potter survived him, ever since I got here. And now that he s back, they won t believe in his obvious return? Really? Harry Potter keeps on repeating that this is real, that the dark wizard killed Cedric Diggory. He already got punished by our new defense against the dark arts professor. And don t get me started about her!

She smiles all the time. Like a fat pirrhana hungry for blood. And she keeps repeating there is no dark wizard on his way to attack the school. What a kill joy she is ! Classes are boring. I mean : defense against the dark arts was pretty bad, already, and she s our worst professor yet. But that s not even the worst thing… She wears PINK ! I mean : what was the school director thinking?! We re children! Why would he DO this to us?

I had to point out that she was talking nonesense. In detention, she made me endure the sight of kitten plates all over the walls ! It was the scariest thing I had ever seen ! To avoid being an absolute monster, she made me write with a torture quill. But still. I ll never forget the kittens.

I m so glad to be rid of you lot.

Rot in Hell.

Curses,

Wendesday.

…

Despicable uncle Fester,

Who would have thought? Who would have thought I would end up having this much fun? hermione Granger (you know : the gryffindor pyromaniac friend of Potter’s) decided that enough was enough : she told Harry Potter to give a bunch of students defense against the dark arts lessons. Basically, we’re standing in a room, and throwing spells at each other.

This is totally forbidden, of course : i did tell you Umbridge was evil, in the wrong sense of the term. Well… She became the headmistress, now. She’s making new rules almost everyday. I don’t know why, but they gave our group the old school director’s name. Who cares? We throw spells at each other’s faces, and Harry potter has visions.

See you all soon for summer.

Rot in Hell.

Curses,

Wendesday.

PS : Even Draco Malfoy is getting interesting : his father is in jail.

…

Despicable uncle Fester,

I can’t believe I’m going to say that, but I miss Dolores Umbridge. Not the woman, of course, but rather the mere chaos she unleashed. Granger organizing secret reunions (she had cursed the paper we signed, did you know?). The Weasley twins showing true potential. My frankenstein monster making machine reappearing mysteriously on my bed after confiscation. Good days indeed. In the end, she was truly a good director. Inspiring to all of us.

Now, the old director is back, and life is a lot duller. I hope Harry potter will come up with something. He’s a living target, this boy. The fun might come to us. I’m hopeful, as you can see. You can tell mother. Just to make her worry.

Here’s what you can keep to yourself, however : there’s something to Draco Malfoy, these days. He stopped giggling so much, and he looks sick. It’s like he grew up since the dark wizard rose again.

Glad to be rid of you lot.

Rot in Hell.

Curses,

Wendesday.

…

Despicable uncle Fester,

In the end, Draco Malfoy was just as bored as I was. He somehow found a way to let agressive followers of the dark wizard into the castle. The upsetting thing is : how come I hadn’t thought about it myself?

There were dozens of these people. They even brought a werewolf. The adorable thing said he liked to play with children, so I chased him with an axe. It was fun. Ronald Weasley called me mental. That means : mad. He knows how to talk to girls, this boy.

Did you know? Draco Malfoy happens to have murderous tendencies. He tried to kill professor Dumbledore. He’s not as boring as I thought. But it made no sense. The school director ended up being killed by professor Snape, however. Which makes much more sense. That s just basic collegue to collegue relationship.

The funeral was decent. Almost. There were centaurs. They shot arrows, but they didn’t kill anything. They must be terrible archers.

I’ll be back soon, as you know.

Rot in Hell.

Curses,

Wendesday.

PS : Everyone is so scared since the old Dumbledore died. The dark wizard is winning over. Next year should be quite something.

…

Despicable uncle Fester,

Where the hell is Harry Potter? My arrival here was full of pleasant surprises : professor Snape is now the school director, and dark wizards are invading the place. They look foul and threatening. But no sign of Harry Potter yet. They are looking for him. Strange. Why would he hide? He likes danger so much.

He’s not the only student to have disappeared. Weasley and Granger vanished, among others. That’s too bad : they would have loved our new defense against the dark arts courses. They teach us funny spells, like the Cruciatus curse. They cast it on the students for punishment. It tickles like my electric chair. I’ll try it on Pugsley.

Longbottom and others are being rebellious, these days. They’re contradictory, insulting, and disturb the peace regularly. Of course, I’m with them.

I’ve got to go. Longbottom and I planned to annoy Alecto Carrow again. Hopefully, we’ll get caught.

Rot in Hell.

Curses,

Wendesday.

PS : Professor Snape looks like a corpse, these days. Charming man.

…

Despicable uncle Fester,

What a night ! Harry Potter came back. Apparently, he wanted to find an object of sorts he had left in the school. A pretext, if you ask me. He must have been bored, wherever he was, knowing him. He was with his two best friends.

The dark wizard finally came along to confront him, but Potter decided to remain elusive. And dead right, too. Else, where would have been the fun ? So, the dark wizard threatened to attack the school if he didn’t show up. D’ha ! We’d been waiting for years !

And then, disorder flushed in the school. Dark wizards throwing spells, monstrous spiders, giants… Now that was what i would call a last day of school to my heart. Even professor Mc Gonnagal set the school statues to rise. Impressive spell. I wonder if I could try it out ? The werewolf from last time came back. I chased him all night. He’d look quite nice, as a decoration in the living room. I will stuff him, I think. I know mother likes tasteful souvenirs.

I’m so sad that I’ve got to come back. I must admit it’s been a bunch of interesting few years. The dark wizard is dead (and even his snake, poor thing). But I’m sure Harry Potter will find other enemies to chase. Don’t tell mother, but I almost shed a tear. Hey, perhaps I will study the dark arts, next ?

See you soon.

Rot in Hell.

Curses,

Wendesday.

PS : Don’t bother going to King’s cross. I’m going to steal a thestral.